Father Cruz really got away from me.

Not in a bad way! Let me stress that I am constantly delighted in the directions my stories tend to turn, like an ornery pony with a terrified child on its back. But I DO NOT write romance. I have read maybe two straight-up romance novels in my life. Don’t get me wrong- I enjoy a romance- but I never thought I would write one. The mechanics of a romance novel are completely unknown to me.

So why did Father Cruz turn into a dual genre: Horror/Romance?

I think I know, but let me explain first. I swear, officer, I can explain.

Hear me out.

I wanted to explore what may have happened to Father Karras if, instead of ending his life to rid everyone of the demon, went on and tried to exist with that demon inside of him. The demon would, in my opinion, inevitably find the repressed queer side of Karras and use it against the priest.

So that’s the premise of Father Cruz, as explained in Current Projects.

On its own, we’ve got the horror premise right there. The demon torments him with visions of his past, seeking to re-traumatize him with events such as beatings and being rejected by a crush, plus some usual creepy demon stuff like the rectory filling up with cockroaches and your classic body-takeover episodes.

But then it got sexy.

Completely unbidden, the ornery pony that is this story decided that there would be a love interest for Father Cruz.

I conjured Ezra using bits and pieces of not only people I’ve known but characters I’ve loved. He’s part TJ Klune, part Eric LaRocca, and many parts of the queer friends I had in high school. And I absolutely, head over heels, fell in love with Ezra.

You know how your characters can start to come to life, feel like people you actually know? That’s Ezra to the extreme. His taste in books is all mine. His trauma regarding a graphic sexual assault is inspired by the numerous horror stories of real hate crimes committed against gay men.

So here Ezra comes, fully formed in my mind in an instant, and of course Father Cruz is going to fall for him. Who wouldn’t?

Let me back up just a little. Stay with me, keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times. While the main narrative follows Father Cruz and his experiences with the demon inside him, we also follow a few side characters from his parish whose interactions with the demon masquerading as Father Cruz begin a tragic sequence of events that ends in at least one murder. These vignettes, interspersed with the main narrative, are supposed to serve as a contrast to Father Cruz and his developing feelings for Ezra.

Fans of Stephen King may have heard discussion on his use of “the red” VS “the pink”, two colors he often uses in such narratives as The Dark Tower to contrast genuine, unconditional love (the red) with lusty, irresponsible, impulsive desire (the pink). My idea with the main narrative VS the side characters was to represent these two. The red would be represented by Father Cruz and his deep, meaningful feelings for Ezra, a kind of “true love” story, while the pink would be represented by the lust and corruption of the side vignettes, which are very sexually explicit and meant to make the reader uncomfortable.

For example, the character of teen Jaeden Peters is described in detail to masturbate while peeping on his attractive neighbor from his bedroom window, and unappreciated housewife Andrea Graham begins an affair with a married man. These adulterous affairs are explicit and are meant to serve as a contrast to the slow-burn building relationship between Father Cruz and Ezra.

But then it got sexy.

I was writing a classic “they fell asleep in the same bed, oh no!” scene when I broke my rule. I wanted to keep these two boys pure until the very end. But I got carried away.

Someone got a boner.

So. This leads me to the question- how sexy is too sexy?

Where is the line between fiction and erotica?

Because when you combine the explicit sexuality displayed in the side vignettes with a big boner for the guy sleeping in your arms, it’s just all sexy.

I’m not trying to write erotica, for fuck’s sake. My dad reads my stuff.

In fact, as I mentioned earlier, I’m not even trying to write romance. It just happened, like that boner.

Ultimately, I am deciding to take away the boner. Sorry, smut fans.

Maybe at the end, if Father Cruz can conquer the demon that is his shame about his sexuality, we can dump some petrol on this slow burn. But for now, I really want to hang onto this King-esque comparison between real, deep love and lust.

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