I know you’ve all been anxiously awaiting the second installment of my very good and correct opinions about Stephen King adaptations.

Thankfully, this list of disliked works will be much shorter than the list of those I loved. I try to be a positive person, you know?

Also, I’m not a mean ol’ film critic, so I generally tend to have fun watching things. Unless they’re bad. Let’s get into that.

I’m going to paste in this next section from Part 1, to refresh everyone-

First, what makes a good adaptation (in my opinion)?

Not only does a good adaptation generally follow the original plot of the written work, it effectively captures the spirit and soul of the original work. They don’t necessarily have to follow each and every story point in the exact order of the book (that’s not how you adapt something to a different medium), but the main plot still needs to be there in some way. It also just generally needs to be an enjoyable movie to a casual viewer.

This list will also be chronological, and to reiterate, if you don’t see something on here, it means I either didn’t dislike it, or I haven’t seen it yet.

The Shining (1980)

BEFORE YOU FREAK OUT, I love this movie. It’s one of my favorites of all time.

BUT. I think it’s a terrible adaptation of the novel. I don’t think this is a breakthrough idea either, it’s a pretty common belief. But I had to mention it when talking about bad adaptations.

What Kubrick did with the character of Jack was a real tragedy. We lose all nuance of his character that made the novel so incredible, and instead, Jack becomes a slasher monster, just a one-dimensional scare. All the things that made Jack so complex and (mostly) sympathetic are either completely wiped or put in as throw-away lines in Kubrick’s film.

Just to reiterate, I think this is a fantastic movie. Just a bad adaptation.

IT (1990)

Shove aside your childhood nostalgia for a second and let me talk.

Normally, I don’t care if the book-described appearance of a character is changed IF it’s not important to the story. But Bev’s red hair was a big part of her and it propelled a lot of the change in her character in later acts. This girl, while adorable, is just not a good casting for Bev. I’m not trying to criticize a bunch of adorable kids, don’t get me wrong. Just, like, they couldn’t have put some box dye on her? A wig? IDK.

I will say, child Seth Green is absolutely precious.

This adaptation also just loses a lot of what makes the child section of the plot so addictive. It’s very bland and I don’t really get the feeling that these kids would die for each other, like we do in the novel. And yes, I know the 2017 version has its problems as well, but it does a much better job of capturing the spirit and nostalgia of the childhood section.

Also, real quick (take out your pitchforks), I think that objectively, Bill Skarsgard’s Pennywise was scarier. His facial expressions, voice, and the makeup were much more frightening than Tim Curry’s. That one’s only scary with the claws in frame. Maybe those with coulrophobia disagree on the basis that all clowns are scary, but I seriously think Skarsgard only got so much criticism simply because he isn’t Tim Curry.

Don’t get me started on the adult section of this one. I hated the acting and several of the characters are just insufferable.

Funnily enough, we’ll be talking about another terrible adult section of an IT adaptation in a few decades…

Mr. Mercedes (2017)

This opinion might be pretty unpopular- I’ve seen a lot of love for this one in the community. As for its faithfulness, this one is… okay. We hit most story beats in one way or another. But as an enjoyable experience? No. Not for me. No thanks.

Every time Brady’s boss said anything related to technology or “kids these days”, it made me want to gag. He was written so poorly, such an unbelievable villain. Even the bigots I know wouldn’t phrase their hate so awkwardly. Wow, I hated the way they wrote him.

Bill was written as honestly a giant asshole, and I was really sad about that. What endeared me to Bill in the book was that he was a genuinely sweet guy, he was just depressed and had low self-esteem. This Bill is just unpleasant to be around. Not criticizing the acting, just the portrayal of the character. I’m sure it was the director’s idea to play Bill this way, and it’s such a shame.

The one thing I do like about this one was the casting for Brady. This guy has the “dead-inside psychopath” look down pat.

The Dark Tower (2017)

No.

IT: Chapter Two (2019)

I don’t think I’ve met someone who liked this one. What makes it hurt worse is the potential we had. The adult casting is really great. They have chemistry (unlike the ’90 adults) and we start so strong. I love the sequence with the fortune cookies.

This adaptation is good if you pause right after the restaurant scene and skip ahead to the shot of them walking out of the sewers at the end, seeing the reflection of their younger selves in the shop window. That’s all you need. The rest was utter useless nonsense (except the few flashbacks).

I did like Richie’s whole questioning of his sexuality, I think there were definitely seeds for that in the novel, but it’s a shame that that little B-plot had to be surrounded by sewage (get it).

The Stand (2020)

I know I don’t need to argue my case here; this one’s pretty universally hated. I just wanted to give some specifics. I’m having fun ranting.

Larry is not supposed to be a good guy from the beginning. They fucked him up so bad, which is unfortunate, because I really liked his casting. That was his whole thing- he’s a pretty big shitbag at the beginning. It’s called a character arc.

Amber Heard, personal opinions about her withheld, is just so flat and miscast as Nadine. Compared to her ’94 counterpart, she’s like a wet piece of Wonderbread.

The portrayal of Las Vegas is by far the worst crime this show commits. The entire point of the two opposing sides, Vegas and Boulder, was to show that the line between good and evil isn’t always very clear. In the novel, Vegas had very little crime, and most people worked hard to get their society up and running for no reason other than their quality of life. The everyday Vegas man wasn’t some vagrant druggie having seventeen orgies a day. Sure, the leadership was evil, but the actual people there were basically the same as the residents of Boulder.

In this adaptation, Vegas is a cesspool of sex, drugs, and violence, basically a child’s idea of “sin”. It’s just ridiculous and ruins so much of the bigger argument King was originally trying to make.

On the bright side, I liked three things: Frannie, Harold, and Trashcan Man. The last one might get me in a hot pot, as I know a lot of people thought Ezra Miller’s portrayal was too goofy and exaggerated, but physically, I really liked him in that role.

Same with Frannie and Harold. I know in the book Harold is described as being initially overweight, but I think a modern-day incel would be more likely a noodle arm. He genuinely makes me feel disgusting when he looks at Frannie.

And the actress for Frannie is just so cute and girl-next-door in a modern kind of sense. I think she’s a much better choice than Molly Ringwald was.

Both adaptations, though, completely failed to even try what was my favorite scene in the novel. I loved the blowout with Frannie and her mother, and the way her dad finally stood up for her. It makes her dad’s death hit that much harder. And since neither adaptation does that, her dad’s death doesn’t even feel like a character moment for Frannie.

Firestarter (2022)

Guys, I was so excited when this movie was announced. Zac Efron in a Stephen King movie? Playing a dad with mind powers?? I was so in. And then they did that with it.

Look, I can handle a dramatic narrative change. I’m one of the few that actually commended Pet Sematary (2019) for its massive swerve away from the original. Wanna know why? It still fit in the spirit of the story overall.

What this adaptation did with the ending (excuse me, instead of an ending) just made me mad. Honestly, what the fuck. It felt like losing a sneeze at the last second.

I wanted to like this one for Zac Efron’s sake but it just pissed me off so bad.

Salem’s Lot (2024)

Boy, talk about losing a sneeze at the last second. This thing took four years to come out, and when it did, I wished they just hadn’t bothered. It’s hard to describe, but this one felt like a page in a coloring book done by a 3 year old- nothing is in the lines, you just have the general outline of what it was supposed to be.

The only thing I liked was that single shot of all the vampires on the rooftops. That’s it.

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Bonus: Stuff you probably expected to see here but that I actually didn’t mind

The Shining (1997)

This one only gets hate because it’s constantly overshadowed by its older sibling. I actually thought it was really fun, and I loved that they actually did the hedge animals scare, because that was the scariest part of the book for me. Bonus points that it was actually shot at The Stanley Hotel, the original inspiration for the book.

Desperation (2006)

Yeah, it’s a niche one. The movie itself as a standalone is pretty goofy and would likely not be enjoyable without being a fan of the book. I don’t particularly love the book, but the movie was very faithful and really captured the soul of this weird-ass story.

Pet Sematary (2019)

That’s right, get mad. I thought this one was a solid scary movie. I thought it was really brave to defy our expectations the way it did, and I think the change worked. The jump scares were pretty well earned, and the stuff with the dumbwaiter was definite nightmare fuel. I also thought John Lithgow was a great Judd.

Plus, I love that shot of the stitches in the back of you-know-who’s head while they’re in the bathtub. That was visceral.

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As you can see, I’m generally easy to please, as long as you respect the story you’re adapting. I still have a lot to check out, too. Some that I’m excited to get off my watchlist are The Dark Half (1993), The Tommyknockers (1993), Needful Things (1993), Storm of the Century (1999), Hearts in Atlantis (2001), and Castle Rock (2018).

Hopefully I didn’t alienate anyone with my opinions. After all, quality is subjective and everyone can like what they like!

Unless it’s The Dark Tower (2017).

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